Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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