I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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