if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
