You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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