Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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