the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize