did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
