you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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