Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
