if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just tell him i said nine months
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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