i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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