"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
and eventually we just all took our pants off
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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