Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
