He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
