when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Naked. naked and bneed help.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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