just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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