Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
