My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
