Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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