dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
