Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
