I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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