A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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