i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
