I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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