New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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