Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
