This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
