I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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