Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
