I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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