apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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