Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My life is pants optional.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
