I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Randomize
