I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
