The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
