watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
