worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
