Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
