I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
