So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
