My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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