Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
