Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
