Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
