Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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