I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
