oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
