Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
