that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
