I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
