went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
