Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
