My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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