theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There's a naked man in my car right now.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize