dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
