I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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