she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
