i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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