you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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